I slept with a man last night, not sexually, almost… But slept in the same bed as him.
He fell asleep and the only person who I could think of was you, JC. I thought, fucking hell, I’m 12mins away from your place (walking distance) and you won’t come to see me… And besides the fact that you’re “seeing someone” doesn’t make a difference!
I want you to be with me JC. I haven’t done anything wrong, nor is actually anything wrong with me? You hurt my feelings real bad! I’m not sure if I can forgive you…
Why is it so hard to take the hit from your mother across the face, that you get so angry and just want to hit her back? Why is the “wanting to hit her” so fucking hard to do?……… Why?……… FUCK!
I wanted to hit her so fucking badly last night but something was just stopping me from hitting the woman who once gave birth to me. And the thing that killed me the most is that before she hit me, she had a knife facing me as if she was going to do something with it. How am I suppose to deal with her wanting to kill me with a knife and then hitting me across my face and shoulders a multiple amount of times? Is it the fact that she is the one who gave birth time? Or the fact that she is my mother? Or is it the fact that she is my blood related relative, maker and protecter of me? IS IT ALL OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS? I can’t help but think that she doesn’t want me anymore. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t want me around, none of us around. She hates my dad (her husband), doesn’t care that my 9 year old sister who is double the size I am just eats and eats and can’t stop, (hits me whenever she feels the fact that I’ve disrespected her by “back-chatting”), all because I told my sister she FINALLY has a job to do around the house which was to fold the clothes (yet she was STILL doing absolutely nothing) and obviously, coming home after working my ass off after a day of school, 5 days a week, constant moving/sweating, with no breaks for 2-2.1/2 hrs each weekday. Then she expects me to come home and do everything. When do I get a break?… The weekend? The time I spend with my friends or just not going, doing anything with anyone? Why can’t I have a normal life like every other teenager?
It’s not the way a family should be living, all because of your pathetic and unexplainable debt you’ve gotten us into. With the money dad makes, + both of your son’s money, if they were to move back into the house, we’d have more than enough to live off of, survive, have nicer things, a bigger and better house and obviously have no more worries because of the money you borrowed. It’s all you, mom. YOU. YOU……… Y-O-U. Maybe if you’d just leave, we’d have no more worries in the house-hold. The place where we live. The place where maybe, just maybe, we don’t need you because you seem to be fine and in a state to be able to say you don’t need nor want us anymore. We can definitely say that you don’t deserve a loving and caring family who once gave you everything in life, maybe not the best things in life but from where you are now, aren’t you happy with what you’ve got? Once you’ve gotten your wake-up call, you’ll TRY to come back to this family that doesn’t need your support, obviously because we don’t have bill after bill after bill after bill… and then what will you have? 20,30 year old friends who are “definitely” going to support you through every last minute/ all the time you’ve got left of this world. Well umm… Mother? You’re wrong.
Have you ever been so scared in your life that you start playing and making up stories in your head and think everything is going to be okay just before the day comes of whatever your scared of doing?
I’m so scared to meet the guy I was in love with for so long. I replay over and over the things I’m going to say in my head. I make sure I’m smiling, but not too much. I make sure I keep eye contact on him because if it looks like I’m shy and uninterested, he won’t take the fact that I came to see him seriously and it would be shit if he decides he doesn’t wanna spend any time with me ): I also have this plan of writing him a letter, just in case he isn’t there. I’m not just going to put it in his mailbox. I’m actually going to talk to his dad or his step mother or even his brother, whoever is home! (: this will give him proof that I really did come and I just didn’t put it in his mailbox or the mailman just posted it but that I am real and he missed out on meeting me.
We insistently wanted to meet each other in the first place! We even spoke about if he had a girlfriend and I came, would be spend time with me, and he said yes. I’m really hoping he keeps his word and does spend time with me. It’s what I want and I will promise to leave him alone afterwards (: because I ALWAYS keep my promises, and my promise to him was to just see him this year…
YOUR A FUCKING PUSSY WHOEVER KEEPS ANONYMOUSLY ASKING ME QUESTION, SHOW YOUR GODDAMN FACE OR ELSE I WON’T ANSWER YOUR PATHETIC QUESTIONS! KTHANKS.
Remember when I asked for your opinion… Me neither.