I slept with a man last night, not sexually, almost… But slept in the same bed as him.
He fell asleep and the only person who I could think of was you, JC. I thought, fucking hell, I’m 12mins away from your place (walking distance) and you won’t come to see me… And besides the fact that you’re “seeing someone” doesn’t make a difference!
I want you to be with me JC. I haven’t done anything wrong, nor is actually anything wrong with me? You hurt my feelings real bad! I’m not sure if I can forgive you…

I don’t understand.

You gave me all the signs, all of the obvious, that you were falling in love with me.
YOU WERE SO EXCITED TO SEE ME AND BE ALONE WITH ME SATURDAY, and as soon as Sunday comes, you change your mind?

Something isn’t right!

I wasn’t going to take my birth control pill the other day.
Sunday night, he came inside me. Why? Why would he do that? Why?
It bothers me not knowing if he does/doesn’t love me back. He gives me clues and such that he does, but then why would he? I’m not like those other 100 girls he’s had. He deserves a lesson if I fall pregnant.
You can’t just cum inside a girl and fuck off. This is a serious matter, and baby, you better be fucking praying that I ain’t got your child inside me. 24th of July, if I miss my period, looks like you’ve got a baby boy or girl coming into this world… (:

I’ve fallen in love with someone I should’t have, and now all I can do is feel the pain and jealousy of everything he does.

He was at my house last night, in his car, near my house. We were quite the distance away so no one could hear us, especially my screams… We sat there for a little while, and we talked. It’s never the same conversations, which is good! But I can’t bring up the conversations I want to have, like my feelings, only because I know he has none for me…

It’s odd though, I’ll whip out my phone and I’ll see that I have 3-4 messages from people (majority are guys) and he always reads them. One time, he grabbed my phone from my hands and went through all my messages, reading them and saying “You talk to a lot of guys”. He continued to look through it. He then asked why I didn’t have a password on my phone and I said because I don’t have anything to hide. I wanted to continue saying ” I don’t have anything to hide from you…” but I have to keep my words to a minimum.

As the night went on last night, I went down on him and because it’s one of the things I do best, I can tease the hell out of him. I know he LOVES it! While I was down there, he’d feel all over my body, my curves, everything. He’ll try to take my shirt and bra off to see my breasts but last night, I didn’t let him. I continued to push him away and watched his facial expression become confused, I liked that.

When I gradually started to force him away, he thought it was a joke. The whole scenario about “not wanting it but really you want it, a lot”. I shook my head, giggled and smiled. He tried touching me one last time and I held his arm so forcefully against his car seats it was hurting me. He knew by then that the scenario was what he thought it was. He began to lay me down and slowly indicate I take off my bottoms and panties, and so I did.

But the sad thing is, it won’t ever be more than just a sex relationship…

I would confess that I’ve gained huge feelings for him, but it’d be so pointless.

Why is it so hard to take the hit from your mother across the face, that you get so angry and just want to hit her back? Why is the “wanting to hit her” so fucking hard to do?……… Why?……… FUCK!

I wanted to hit her so fucking badly last night but something was just stopping me from hitting the woman who once gave birth to me. And the thing that killed me the most is that before she hit me, she had a knife facing me as if she was going to do something with it. How am I suppose to deal with her wanting to kill me with a knife and then hitting me across my face and shoulders a multiple amount of times? Is it the fact that she is the one who gave birth time? Or the fact that she is my mother? Or is it the fact that she is my blood related relative, maker and protecter of me? IS IT ALL OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS? I can’t help but think that she doesn’t want me anymore. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t want me around, none of us around. She hates my dad (her husband), doesn’t care that my 9 year old sister who is double the size I am just eats and eats and can’t stop, (hits me whenever she feels the fact that I’ve disrespected her by “back-chatting”), all because I told my sister she FINALLY has a job to do around the house which was to fold the clothes (yet she was STILL doing absolutely nothing) and obviously, coming home after working my ass off after a day of school, 5 days a week, constant moving/sweating, with no breaks for 2-2.1/2 hrs each weekday. Then she expects me to come home and do everything. When do I get a break?… The weekend? The time I spend with my friends or just not going, doing anything with anyone? Why can’t I have a normal life like every other teenager?

 It’s not the way a family should be living, all because of your pathetic and unexplainable debt you’ve gotten us into. With the money dad makes, + both of your son’s money, if they were to move back into the house, we’d have more than enough to live off of, survive, have nicer things, a bigger and better house and obviously have no more worries because of the money you borrowed. It’s all you, mom. YOU. YOU……… Y-O-U. Maybe if you’d just leave, we’d have no more worries in the house-hold. The place where we live. The place where maybe, just maybe, we don’t need you because you seem to be fine and in a state to be able to say you don’t need nor want us anymore. We can definitely say that you don’t deserve a loving and caring family who once gave you everything in life, maybe not the best things in life but from where you are now, aren’t you happy with what you’ve got? Once you’ve gotten your wake-up call, you’ll TRY to come back to this family that doesn’t need your support, obviously because we don’t have bill after bill after bill after bill… and then what will you have? 20,30 year old friends who are “definitely” going to support you through every last minute/ all the time you’ve got left of this world. Well umm… Mother? You’re wrong.